The door slides closed. The hiss of the hydraulics is the last sound left, then nothing. The room
external image sad+alone+tumblr+girls+love+wallpapers+(6).jpgis a mess. The few books I own are scattered on the floor along with my PI unit. My pillow sadly leans against the wall. I didn't mean to throw it at you. You were just being so you. Beside the books, our picture lays face down. I pick it up, careful not to let the glass fall out of the frame. I never got over what an old fashioned idea a photo was. Why even bother when everything can be saved on a computer. You and me stand in it together smiling. My head leans against your shoulder and my hand is on your chest. Your arm is wrapped around me. Even now I can still remember the light pressure of it when you held me close. It seems like so long ago.

I put the frame back on the nightstand. I still like to look at it. How many times have I had to pick it up off the floor? I can honestly say I don't know. This scene seems to happen almost all the time now. The books, the pillow, the frame. All of it is too familiar to me now. I know it is to you too.

I think about where you are. Angry and sick of these me, you're walking down Level C towards the barracks. Paul is on guard duty in front and scans your id. The locker is number 382. You begin the ritual. The armor there is already spotless and the gun is ready for use. You check it anyway. The armors clasps secure tightly. The magazines are attached to the belt on it and the pouches connected at chest level. In all there are fifteen mags. The helmet's visor is wiped down twice. You check to make sure the communication HUD is on and has a full connection. As always, it does. Now for your favorite part. The gun is taken off the rack and inspected. The clip is released and the safety is turned on. The barrel is detached and the chamber is checked. You scrub it clean with the concentration of one of those hawks back on Earth. The trigger is oiled so it moves as a part of your finger. The barrel is brushed clean. Sights are calibrated to the correct alignment. You then reassemble the weapon. You step back to check your work, then you repeat the process two more times.

I used to admire the dedication. The intensity you brought to everything you did. The higher ups always admired it too. There's a reason they chose you to lead the team into the assault whale. Or I guess its real name is Perturbant Valor? At least that's what I managed to pick up down on Garago. The operation is set to take place in only two days. The stores of newly developed anesthetic were probably already being placed into the specialized rounds. It will be dangerous of course. I know you will lead the soldiers behind you well. Your command and skill set have always been what allows men and women to follow you. It's your heart and courage that make them want to follow you.

These traits have never been a hindrance to what we had. It made it all the more exciting. Now, they block you from hearing what I say. I know it's hard to hear change. The problem was never you, it was me. I'm the one who is different. I took everything I ever said and started to question it. People don't change though. They grow. I've just grown a bit further from you then we thought. I wish you could see that. That I'm still the woman you fell in love with.

When I did not volunteer to head the sensors for the mission, you stood by me. You comforted me and said we'd make it through this together. Whatever was happening to me, whatever I was going through, we would take it on side by side. Then I denied the mission again. And again. Side by side seemed to disappear as I grew further from operations. You began to get aggravated and upset. Now we're here and I still won't monitor for you. Even though you want me to. I just can't bring myself to do it. I can barely bring myself to take any of these orders anymore. Life has been opened up.

Sometimes I think about just leaving. Take a shuttle to the surface of the asteroid and hide out. Maybe hitch a ride to the whales. You wouldn't be able to handle that. It might be what I want. There is so much about them I don't know, so much about the universe I don't know. And that gas. It brings about a clarity I never thought possible. Down on Garago, I've heard whispers of a fort on one of them where people can go to learn. That might be an option. To expand my horizons and know what I want out of life is all I really need. Maybe that is the way to do it.

I would have to leave everything behind. You especially. You're probably the only reason I've stayed so long as it is. With this operation so close though, tensions are about to rise further than they have ever been. Tomorrow may be my only shot to get out of here. After that will be too late. I look at our picture again for a moment. Then I grab it and put it in my bag. I pack a few other items as well. After you are done letting off steam, you will return to this room tonight. We will have one last fight then. It will be hard, but it's what has to happen. I will tell you my plans and you will tell me they're ridiculous and suicidal. You will threaten to report me to command, but it will be an empty threat. For all the shields you put up in front of that iron face, you still love me. That is why you won't report me. That is why you will let me go.